The Art In Splitting: Idealizing (part 1)

So I split, like most people do, but I’d like to believe I split more than anyone else in the whole entire cosmos of cosmos…eepsies. Splitting, resulting in only devaluing (bad) or idealizing (good) something, someone (yourself or the other) for the purpose of our defense mechanisms and among other things.

For example, I watched Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on SNL and I immediately idealized Tina. As she embodied someone else, I so badly wanted to embody Tina–her antics, the way she air guitared it, the playful linguistics, her cleverness. I sat in my painted clothes with my colorful gluey fingers and watched the sketch and played my favorite parts more than once–getting acrylic mediums on my mouse pad as I hit PLAY over and over again (chaffing my fingertips by the end). Slowly my grandiose life shrunk from, “I’m a grad student. I’m cool?” to “I’m who? I’m so boring.” There’s something absolutely addicting in making others laugh. Today I’ve split off all other modes of communication, rating them as a measly 2.5 on a scale of one million and tomorrow I’ll split off all humor and only idealize intellect. Oh for heaven’s sake…

The beloved O’Donnell Day (whom I like. a lot) has STRESSed the thought about knowing, knowing,knowing where you are rooted internally before you react to the external world. Many of us will find ourselves identifying the symptom provoked by the outside, but not the etiological emotion, narrative, or past that ACTUALLY evoked the internal workings–in which are a very intricate, at times dissociative web of survival and/or unconscious acts. This has been incredibly helpful for me, yet arduous, so very arduous to uncover what I’ve covertly hidden and now I’m left with retracting my fantasy in embodying Tina. As I suck my ghostly projection back into myself I feel empty, discontent, enraged with how I’ve been created. Many middle fingers fly up to heaven, flicking angels as I birdy my point to God. How dare you! oh…So now I grapple with the inner-workings of my being and what I’ve chosen to avoid internally, which has been a lifelong defense, a lifelong yoke as well…to be continued and to be kindly embraced in the latter days, I hope. Here’s a song that soothes me in these moments…

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