On most days I wish with every strand in my being that a visual projector could run a live feed of images reflecting my internal noise, feelings, experiences. True, this might be rather humiliating, but I’m not necessarily wanting my thoughts erected into a film. No, that would be…actually I might want that too. But, what I’m attempting to say is for my feelings to be translated into images. I do believe hyperbole would cozy up to me and say, that’s awesome. And, prudence would say, really? These are the moments I diminish both hyperbole and prudence and choose to flounder about aimlessly, not wanting to be too much or too little. Another story for another time…back to my feelings being transformed into holograms, bursting from my stomach…
For instance, do you know the experience of someone saying something in which a visceral and theatrical experience happens internally. It’s as though my innards have a stage on my uterus where they perform how bad it is out there, meanwhile my external shell is composed and collected, or so it seems (comparatively).
This might be my means in being honest with myself in front of others, just hook me up to a live feed of my innards and…voila.
What’s that? Why is my liver leaping around screaming profanities?
What’s that? Why is my gall bladder trying to punch itself?
What’s that? Why am I cowering with a nice, gleaming sword in hand pointed in the other direction?
What’s that? What am I doing with cheese in a can?
What’s that? Why are my ribs singing a Led Zeppelin song?
Let me tell you. I have this thing called shame. Total beast sometimes, especially because it’s BFF with contempt.
I’m not going to get into the gory details here, however I will declare the more I’m creatively addressing my internal writhings, the more I’m able to articulate and embrace what’s there, instead of writing it off or becoming overwhelmed and devastated and seemingly powerless in the muck.
What’s that? Why are my arms, legs, neck, head, mouth, words and feet being somewhat foolish and nonsensical?
Well, kindness and acceptance and desire can begin to do insane things to a woman.
Hmm. Hm hm.