I lay on my bed reading tonight. Greek myths examined and re-interpreted. I scan the word “belie” and wonder why she chose this over “contradict”. Why the words we select? Why do words have to have such form and exposure to our open or not so open hearts?

I had a late night chit chat with my main squeeze last night. I never, should never call him my main squeeze. But I was squeezing him as he spoke about my writing. I was also clenching my buns.

Madeleine L’Engle once wrote in her seasonal prose that when she became defensive about her husband’s feedback on her writing, she knew there was some good truth to it.

Now I’m clenching and grinding my teeth.

There’s truth to what he said late last night. And it’s hard to hear. I usually act as though I’m underwater doing synchronized swimming with my many selves. If only I had a nose plug, I could’ve stayed under longer. Unfortunately, water accidentally surged through my nostrils while in a beautiful sequence, sending my 13 year old self to the surface.

(Rolling of the eyes)

You think you know what you’re talking about butthead, don’t you?

(Pause)

A pang, which had been panging becomes more present and I realize,

he’s kinda right.

I’m a yoked ox when I write at times.

I try too hard at times.

I’m hiding at times.

I settle for a rough draft and never break into new icy waters at times.

I’m afraid.

He’s says I’m gifted. Thank you. I need some encouragement here. The swimming pool is now far too shallow for any underwater activities, which means I’m wet and shivering.

Damn that drain.

I say I love to write, have loved writing since I was a young gal.

But, will I create cohesion and accessibility and me-ness in my poetry or prose? Rather than remaining cloaked by my selection of farsighted words?

I must break the rough draft open.

I may need your help.

If you don’t hear from me right away, I’m doing a choreographed number in the water as preparation for taking in your selected words. Don’t worry though, there’s always a drain somewhere and it always gets unplugged.

I will belie and belie and belie as a writer and my hope is through the human plight to belie, I will be gently caught and discover, more fully, my courageous voice.

 

 

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3 Comments

Filed under beauty

3 responses to “

  1. your honesty & openness here are compelling. and i TOTALLY know the dread that comes with familiar water escaping down the drain. scary. and liberating. and scary.

    also your words remind me of actual synchronized swimming routines that my BFF & I created in her swimming pool in jr high. needless to say, we were awesome.

  2. Keebs

    Me gusta mucho….also, hot cross buns.

  3. laurie, I’ll meet you in the pool and we can put something together, maybe to a Disney tune?

    Keebs! i’m glad you stopped by…also, buns crossed hot.

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